A wise friend of mine once told me that anything in this life worth having requires work. I think that is true. It is perhaps fitting then, that marriage is the most difficult relationship of our lifetime. In every other relationship we can avoid each other after a fight. (Not that it's the best policy, but it is an option.) In a marriage, there is no avoiding it. And yet marriage can also be the most rewarding relationship in our life.
Kamarie and I will celebrate 16 years together this fall. We've known each other for closer to 20 years. She is my best friend and the only person in this world that knows everything about me. We both came from happy homes, which is an increasingly rare thing. Kamarie's father had passed away before I met Kamarie, but he was there for the bulk of her childhood. So Kamarie and I had good examples of two parent households to learn from. Even so, we stumbled occasionally when we were first married.
I've never heard a couple say that their marriage was flawless. Ours is not either. We've had some serious arguments to the point that we were mad at each other for days afterward. But we've learned some useful principles. They're pretty intuitive. You probably do the same in your relationship. Nonetheless, if my children were getting married today, I'd have this advice for them:
1) No outside factor is allowed to create discord in the relationship between husband and wife. Not work, not school, not friends, not church callings, not peer pressure, and not children. What? Not church callings? Not children? That's right: nothing. If a job is bad for the marriage, quit. If the church calling keeps you away to the point that it is a problem, then you need to be released.
Sometimes when we kneel down for prayer at night the children like to try to slide in between Kamarie and I. If there is room we will often let them. If there isn't room, then rather than slide over, I'll tell them, "Nothing comes between me and your mom." The children all giggle at that. They like knowing that their parents love each other. We love our children a great deal, but our first priority is to the marriage.
This also means alone time together. We've found that after a particularly stressful day, it's nice to just take a drive or go to the store together for some groceries. Before I hurt my knee we used to do a 30 minute run together 3 times a week. Any time spent together with just the two people can really help you wind down.
2) Communicate, communicate, communicate. Men and women see and express things differently. If you just say the minimum you probably will misunderstand each other. Years ago this was explained in a popular book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." I've never read it, but some of our friends have, the basic concept is clear from the title. It is critical that we try to explain ourselves. That means that if Kamarie thinks I'm mad, I need to explain that I'm not mad, that I'm just thinking. If I'm really mad, it means I can't pretend I'm not mad.
I think one of the most difficult things I've had to do is talk when I'm mad. When I'm mad I want to just withdraw into a shell and stew over it. One thing I've learned is that the "madder" I am, the more I need to explain my feelings to Kamarie. Eight times out of ten as soon as I've said it out loud it just sounds petty. Sometimes the honest answer is that "I don't know" why I'm mad, which is usually a pretty good signal to me that I need to apologize. One time out of ten I might have a legitimate gripe, and the only way it's going to be resolved is if we talk about it.
3) Practice random acts of kindness. Sometimes I step in the door after a long day of work and I hear the kids screaming and the temptation enters my mind to just turn around and walk right back out. But then I realize that Kamarie has been trapped in that madhouse all day. If I can do something simple like gather the kids up and calm them down while she relaxes it helps her to de-stress and feel appreciated at the same time.
But the awesome thing is, if I come home upset and I just need to go into my man cave, then Kamarie is sensitive to that and allows me that freedom. So there is a give and a take where we each try to do nice things for each other.
I've also found that I can go to Smith's and get flowers for cheap and it's a nice surprise for Kamarie. Sometimes I'll buy them a couple times a month, just to see her light up. When Valentines day roles around Kamarie doesn't even care if she gets flowers, she probably had them a week or two before anyway.
Kamarie likes to make a big deal out of my birthday. She'll come in to work and decorate my office. That night she'll cook my favorite meal. Thoughtful acts like that do a lot for a marriage.
Even a nice long hug when you know they're down can be just what the doctor ordered.
4) Don't do hurtful things to each other. Just don't. I don't have much more to say on this. In a marriage we know each other better than anyone else. We know what will push one another's buttons. When we get into a fight we want to lash out. It's childish. It does lasting damage. Do not do it. Kamarie can still recall idiotic things I said years ago. Now that I've matured, I can't fathom I would ever say anything so stupid, but I did and she still remembers.
5) Take a vacation with just the two of you occasionally. This is a hard one to arrange because you've usually got to arrange family to watch the kids for a day or two. If you can arrange it, I highly recommend it. We've stayed in Las Vegas a couple of times. Last year for our big 15th anniversary we did a long weekend in New York.
6) Forgive each other. Nobody is perfect. We make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes hurt the person we love most. If we carry around baggage from past fights and can't forgive then the remaining issue is more our fault than the person who has since apologized and repented.
7) Marital relations are a natural by product of adhering to the tips above. They also help build more love in the relationship if they are entered into as an expression of love and not simply because of a physical desire.
There are also physical/emotional needs that are satisfied through marital relations that need to be attended to periodically. I'm not suggesting a particular frequency, but just be aware that your partner needs intimacy. I'm going to keep this posting PG, so I won't say more on this point.
That's it. See... Nothing Earth shattering. These are the principles that Kamarie and I live by. Take it or leave it. It works for us. We didn't practice them all from the start (well, except maybe #7), but we've learned it over time. This past year we've really adhered to this formula closer than ever before and it has been the best year of our marriage. I can't imagine being any happier.
Kamarie approved this message. ;-)
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